A Parade of Bad Luck and Traffic Tickets.

A Parade of Bad Luck and Traffic Tickets.

To anyone who was at the parade I offer my apologies.

As much as I am blessed with a beautiful, healthy, family whom I love and cherish; I am cursed with the most horrible luck in small matters. I often wonder if there is some being that is playing a game akin to the sims and if (s)he-they-it gets bored and puts me in adverse situations for their own sick twisted pleasure.

A common scenario that happens in my life is as follows:

Wife: Go acquire the most common item in the universe from the common item store. Our day and marriage will be ruined if item is not purchased and in our possession by 5 pm

Me: I accept this mission.

Wife: Thank you, spouse.

Me: (Arrive at common item store.) One most common item, please.

Clerk: We are out.

Me: Shit

(Dials phone)

Wife: Hello, was the acquisition of common item successful?

Me: No, they are out.

Wife: That is impossible item is the most common thing in world. I will call them to make sure. (hangs up)

Me: …

(Waiting….waiting…waiting…phone rings)

Wife: Hello, they are out of common item but a store across town has item and you have to be there in 10 minutes.

Me: That location is an hour away.

Wife… Fix it.

Me: Ok.

 

This situation is not an exaggeration. I now video call my wife to show her empty shelves and vindicate myself as a non-idiot husband. Other examples include: always getting caught in traffic on the days when I absolutely cannot be late, if I have an important meeting or engagement then something will stain my shirt, if I am running late in the morning I will become delayed even further with fun times like the dog getting loose and running to China or the baby deciding to hide my keys in another dimension.

The most current unlucky event was of a particular humorous note.

A couple of weeks ago I got a traffic ticket. I have had bad experiences with important payments getting lost in the mail (bad luck, remember). I didn’t want to mail it; I could either drive to downtown Cincinnati, which is out of my way and parking is a pain to find, or I could go to court.

 

I decided to go to court and pay it there.

 

The court date was scheduled on Thursday, September 7th in Cheviot Ohio at 7 P.M at the Municipal Building. The location was convenient, on my way home from work, the time was convenient, after work with enough time to get there. I thought it was going to work out fine. I was wrong.

 

I try to mitigate my luck by preparing for the outlandish situations I find myself getting into. I know how the cards usually play out with the mysterious hex over my head so I had left about 15 minutes earlier than any other person would have done. From my work place to Cheviot, without traffic would take 15 minutes, if traffic was heavy maybe 30 minutes. Traffic was heavy, but since I had left early I had plenty of time to make it there. I thought I was gold.

 

I thought wrong.

 

The first sign of my impending misfortune was that I noticed a lot of people walking in groups, moms pushing strollers, dads giving piggy-back-rides, the second sign was a literal sign. It said road closed. The particular road that was closed was the street where the Cheviot Municipal Building happens to reside. I was a little over a mile away. I had thirty minutes to make it there. I found a parking spot on a side street and resigned myself to walking.

 

I had half an hour to walk a mile.

 

I wasn’t worried, I walk fast. My wife complains all the time telling me to slow down and wait. I put my gym shoes in gear and I get to stepping. On a side note, by this time, I also really have to pee. I don’t piss my pants or anything in this story but if you have ever been walking and have an urgent need to urinate, it makes you more aggressive to get where you are going.

 

I hear sirens of fire trucks, the drums of marching bands, the general noise of a large crowd of people. I realized why all the people were walking, and why the roads were blocked off, it was the kick off for The Harvest Home Festival. This is a huge to-do for the Westside of Cincinnati and the first event for the festival is the Parade.

The sidewalks were lined with people sitting in camp chairs and loitering around, but more importantly, they were between me, Johnny Law, and a bathroom. I start walking and much like a salmon returning upstream, I wade through the tide of people.

 

My walk was not a pleasant meandering stroll, it was brisk and purposeful. I jostled people, I cut people off, I had to cross through the middle of the parade at two points. I was short on patience and time.

 

Finally, after making an asshole out of myself I see my destination and I have ten minutes to spare. I feel the tension leak from my shoulders. I quickly enter the building and avail myself of the facilities, relieving the pressure from my bladder. I then proceed to the 2nd floor as instructed by a note in the lobby for those lucky enough to have traffic court and find no one there and the doors locked.

 

I go back outside and find a local police officer doing crowd control for the parade. I ask him if court was canceled and he said yes that it had been due to the city holiday and to call the clerk’s office in the morning.

I call them and they said that everyone on the docket had been rescheduled to next Thursday. I know my luck and asked them to look me up specifically. The conversation went as follows:

 

Clerk: Huh, they actually scheduled you for the day before.

Me: Why would they do that? I wasn’t notified.

Clerk: I don’t know, nor do I care. Please get off the phone so I can resume drooling on my shirt.

Me: Wait, can you reschedule me?

Clerk: Not over the phone because there was a warrant issued for failure to appear. You have to come downtown and go to room 115.

Me: A warrant that is absurd. What time do they close?

Clerk: 3:30 in the afternoon because that is the most inconvenient time for the public.

Me: I can’t do that I am at work. Is there any other way?

Clerk: (Big sigh) I guess you could find a police officer and have them recite you.

Me: … (hangs up phone)

 

I work right across from a police station. I call them and they were happy to help. I walk over on a break and show them the ticket and explain what happened. The officer that helped me did not even give me any grief. He happened to be in the parade. I have a new court date and the warrant has been rescinded.