Being a parent is like being head over heels in love with your inconsiderate, self-centered, idiot of a roommate. You cook things and they refuse to eat. You chauffeur them around wherever they need to go. They never pitch in with chores or help with the bills; in fact, they are the biggest expense in your household, but you love them and would do anything for them. I have written a few mock interactions. See if these sound familiar…
Parent: I made a delicious, healthy dinner.
Child: I don’t like delicious or healthy food. I won’t eat this and if you try to make me I will ruin your night.
Parent: You did not have to put an ounce of effort into this meal. You neither had to pay or prepare the food. You didn’t even have to put the food on your own plate. Please eat.
Child: Warning, meltdown imitate! Self-destruct sequence initiated.
Parent: Damn it, I give up. Here are some breaded, prepackaged, bland meat nuggets with a side of Styrofoam like corn puffs covered in radioactive orange dust.
Child: Meltdown averted; resuming normal function.
Parent: I have been sent a notice from the EPA and your room has been declared a hazard to humanity and the Earth itself, you need to clean it.
Child: Buuuuttttt I want to do something non-constructive. I have only watched YouTube for 17 hours in a row.
Parent: I will change the Wi-Fi password and destroy your Minecraft village.
Child: Fine, but I will make this difficult.
Parent: I expect nothing less.
Less than 1 second later…
Child: I am finished. My room is clean.
Parent: (Rolls eyes) …I am going to check. (Walks into room) You have done nothing; In fact, it is worse than before.
Child: No look, I cleaned under my bed.
Parent: You pulled all the trash from under your bed and left it on the floor that is not cleaning that is filth relocation. (Roots through pile) Why is there a piece of mummified food under your bed that I don’t even remember buying in the last several years?
Child: I don’t know… I need help.
Parent: I don’t have time. I have to clean the other 9/10ths of the house so you can destroy it in 30 seconds when you return home from school tomorrow.
Child: Fair enough. I will clean my room to the lowest of your standards, but it will take hours, and you will have to yell at least 217 times and you will probably break down into tears at least once.
Parent: Business as usual then.
Parent: You need to take a shower.
Child: Can I do it tomorrow?
Parent: No, you smell like a dumpster fire that someone extinguished with urine.
Child: Again, this will not be easy.
Parent: I know child, I know.
Child: (Stalks off to bathroom)
One eye-blink later
Child: I am now clean.
Parent: Forgive me but I don’t believe you. Only half of your body is wet and there is still shampoo in your hair. I even still see the Kool-Aid stains around your lips. Go back to the shower.
Child: You’re mean and an obvious sadist.
Parent: (Sets down wine glass) Fine, come along I will wash you.
Child: I am not a baby.
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