Personal thoughts

I am most definitely not a robot…

I am most definitely not a robot…

I have a hard time with feelings and emotions, its not like I don’t experience them, I just feel like they happen deep under the surface if that makes sense. I have been told I am hard to read and a lot of the time I don’t really feel like I connect with people right away.

I try.

Fake it till you make it as the old saying goes.  I think about the proper reactions in situations and wonder if I am feeling a proper level of the expected emotion for the current situation.  This is something I have always considered.  Do we all feel emotions the same? Does my happiness feel the same as yours?  Of course, these are impossible questions to answer, but it does make one wonder.

I see other people traversing the battleground of social interaction and it boggles my mind how easy it seems for them. I get nervous and a bit anxious when I am interacting with a new group of people. I am not sure of how the social contract works when meeting new folks.  It takes sometime for me to acclimate to the a new person. I almost never hit it off with someone right off the bat.

My emotional retardation doesn’t mean I don’t care about people, quite the opposite, I care deeply for others, but  I don’t let them past my guard. I put up the Great-Wall-of-Robby and let a very select few inside. I am not sure why I am like this.

I still put myself out there, even if I am introverted, because I still like to talk and laugh with people, its just so much harder for me than for others, it seems. I wonder what it actually is?  What genetic jumble or childhood situation has caused me to have a difficult time with interaction. I just rarely feel completely comfortable with people. Its ok though. I am good with myself that is what matters.

I spend a lot of my time in my own head.

I don’t mean to seem cold and I am not ignoring you.  I promise, I did look for the thing that was right in front of me, I just didn’t see it. I laugh at the wrong places. I am quiet. I don’t like the obvious and I hate to feel put out.  My nature is to listen, observe, and take the time to process before I have a reaction. These traits seem to be off putting for some people.

Confession time.

I do silly little things to avoid awkward small talk. I will provide a small list to provide an example of how weird I am:

  • I will slow down or speed my walking pace to avoid notice by people that I think are going to interact with me.
  • I will wear my headphones with no music or anything playing to deter small-talk.
  • I will act like I am walking past an occupied elevator so the person won’t hold the door that way I can push the button and have a new, fresh elevator to myself.
  • At work I purposely will let my phone go to voicemail and have a message left that way I can reply with an email and avoid the phone conversation.
  •  Sometime I will just nope the hell out of a conversation by walking away.

 

These are just a few examples of the many things I notice about my behavior. My wife probably has a few dozen she could list off the top of her head.

Speaking of my wife…

My wife always will say that I hate people. Not exactly true. Chances are if you aren’t a level 10 horrible person then I am quite fond of you. Even with the fondness I most likely feel awkward around you.  I have never been the most adapt at navigating the social waters.

She is one of the rare people that I had no problem connecting with from the very first time I met her. She is outgoing and has no problem talking to people. Opposites really do attract. She pulls me out of my shell and  I am able to be a little less awkward socially. I will never be mister charisma but she makes me better.

 

 

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